Yell less, talk more
First in a 3-part series
Hello, parents of tweens! Question for you…during your New Year’s reflections, did you think about wanting to improve your communication with your tween this year? And does this process include yelling less?
Not a resolution, perhaps, but a desire. A strong desire? If your answer is yes, you are not alone. According to a 2004 parenting survey, 90% of approximately 1,000 parents reported yelling at their children.
And yet, a 2014 study demonstrated that in the long-term, yelling leads to conduct problems and depression during the teen years. In the near term, it scares children and negatively impects their self-esteem.
I know there are a lot of parenting philosophies out there, but there’s one thing we can pretty much agree on...
Yelling at your tween is not good (even if it feels somewhat good at the moment).
We know the statistics, but all it takes is a little observation of your child to know on a deeper level that it’s not good. You can see them shrinking in size when you do it, or you see their look of fear or shame. You feel guilty afterward and know you’re not being the parent you want to be.
And you probably realize that it doesn’t even help change your tween’s behavior in the long term because you keep finding yourself in the same situation.
Not to mention that we’d really like our kids to stop yelling at us…!
But can we honestly expect them to regulate their emotions if we can’t do it ourselves?
We know behaviors that repeat across multiple days (or months), such as yelling, are patterns, which is another word for habit. Yelling when you’re frustrated or triggered is, to put it simply, a behavioral habit.
What does the research tell us about how we break habits? Make a plan for when the habit is likely to occur, and come up with a replacement behavior. Here’s what I suggest parents do instead if they really want to yell less:
First, get in touch with your heart. Slow down and ask yourself, Who do I want to be? How do I want to show up for my kids? How do I want my child to expect to be treated by those closest to them? Asking yourself these questions and tuning into your heart’s desires can help energize you to commit to doing something different. And that’s what we need in order to change - to do something different.
Think about what your triggers are. What situations cause you to yell? Take time to write down examples and get clarity. Then make a plan (write it out!) and review it frequently for what you will do instead. Include your own calming strategies - it will both help you and model good emotion regulation for your tween. Then include what *you* are going to do. Because that’s ultimately the only thing we truly have control over - our own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Over the next three weeks, I’ll discuss three common triggers for parents’ frustration that can lead to yelling, AND some replacement behaviors - ways for you to do things differently:
TRIGGER #1: Not following directions. We’ve all been there. It’s so frustrating when they won’t do this one simple thing that I’m asking! There are two main categories of ways to address this.
The first category is Plan A for avoiding the triggering situation altogether. There are so many tools here, but today I’m going to name two: Routines and Agreements.
Talk with your tween about their daily activities at home and find ways to “backpack” their responsibilities onto the activities they already do. Voila! You have a daily routine. Most importantly, help them write it down. Lots of kids like to use colored pens and draw too. Make the process of creating the routine fun! Help your child come up with a written schedule for the times of the day that are most problematic. Is it before school, after school, or after dinner? All three? Probably start with one. When creating a schedule, make sure that there’s an activity that they want to do that comes after the activities that they need to do. It’s a built-in reward!
Find a time *outside the moment* to have this conversation. That means everybody’s in a good mood and you have the time for a discussion. Bring up the topic gently and ask them about their perspective first. Use active listening and validation skills, such as “Tell me what bothers you the most?” and “I can understand why you feel that way.” Follow it up with a very short statement about your perspective and relate it to important values such as health, relationships, etc.
Be alert for any defensiveness (which is normal) and sidestep it by articulating how they’re probably feeling. For example, “I see that it’s really frustrating when you have to stop video games to come to dinner.” “I can understand that it’s annoying when I tell you to clean up your Legos to get ready for bed.” Check for accuracy. “Is that right?” and encourage them to verbalize how they feel. “Tell me what annoys you the most.” Validate their feelings, and then encourage them to think of a plan for themselves that gives them what they really want: autonomy and the relief of not having a parent reminding (ahem, nagging) them what to do. If they say they’ll just remember, ask them what they can do in case they forget. Brainstorm ideas, including external reminders for them such as post-it notes and timers. Make an agreement about what they plan to do and what you will - and will not - do. Include any kind of logical incentive or consequence for following through or not following through. Finally, agree to try the plan and to follow up next week to review how it went and make any needed changes.
The second main category of addressing your tween’s resistance to your instructions is Plan B, for all the times’ Plan A doesn’t work! Here you find yourself in a stressful situation with your tween, and you need a game plan. You’re asking them to get off the laptop or clean up their Legos, for example.
Calmly remind them of the Plan A agreement. If it’s in a routine, remind them of the time they’ll get for their preferred activity after they finish what they need to do. If it’s an agreement, remind them of what’s in it for them if they follow through and what happens if they don’t. (If you don’t have a Plan A yet, make a mental note to schedule a time to create one later!)
If they’re still not doing what you want, then you want to calmly move closer to your child. One psychologist I know says, “Never give an instruction when you’re further than arm’s length.” You can move closer and then repeat the instruction (Plan A) using firm, succinct language (no questions, no complaints). No kid wants to stay on their screens with a parent hovering next to them. If they’re playing Legos on the floor, kneel down next to them. Keep standing there and don’t react to any expressions of frustration. If necessary, you can put your hand gently on the device or in view of the device. It’s important that you do these steps calmly and without reacting to your child. The probability is high that they will eventually put it down. If they don’t, give them an if-then warning. For example, “If you don’t get off your device, then you will lose X number of minutes of screen time tomorrow.” Hopef, they’ll make the right choice. If not, tell them what they’ve lost and walk away. Make sure when you’re determining the consequence in advance that it is short-term and not so big that you’ll have difficulty following through. Your tween should not have the opportunity to earn the privilege or thing back. This might be hard for your tween in the short term, but it’s part of the learning process and they will know you mean what you say next time.
Monitor your own nervous system. When you’re feeling triggered, slow down your brain’s fight or flight response by not moving your body except for breathing. Take some deep breaths before you speak. If, after taking some slow, deep breaths, you’re still feeling your body gearing up to yell, leave the room momentarily and take a break. This might be for only a minute or so before you lower your emotional intensity enough that you can think and remember the plan. This is also a time when you can review your plan - so make sure it’s written down and keep it handy!
I’ve created a free printable handout for parents to use to help brainstorm your Plan A and Plan B for this week’s trigger: your tween is not following directions. I encourage you to print it and have it handy for when you really need it. Click the link below to get yours for free:
Next week, we’ll talk about another common trigger, your child’s emotional intensity!
If you have any questions about helping your child by helping yourself stay calm please feel free to reach out to me. I’m happy to help!